A Wedding and a Funeral pt 1
by Ford
Summary: I suggest you read this as it is very good but turn back now if Bad language, sex or violence upset you in any way.


A WEDDING AND A FUNERAL or The Misadventures of Six Friends: Part 1  
  
by Leitha, Dweia, Andine and Random.  
  
WARNING: If bad language, sex and violence offend you then piss off.  
  
DISCLAIMER: We would like to point out we are not Douglas Adams, as he is dead (God bless you Douglas Adams- so long and thanks for all the fish.).  
So all we own is the plot- we don't even own the name of the principal city of Betelgeuse Five, America owns that.   
  
DWEIA'S NOTE:  
A lot of things happen in the story and in life which are not my fault. in fact one of my favourite sayings is 'it's not my fault,' 'cos it invariably isn't. I'd like to thank every one who helped to write this story which is Leitha, Andine and Random, they are all very good writers in their own respect, sometimes.   
I would like to share my views firstly on God, God is a dick head, I really don't think he actually exists but just in case he does, GOD YOU ARE A DICK HEAD! now my views on music, Blink 182 are the greatest band in history, and Eminem sucks. Now my views on the Welsh. The Welsh are the most annoying people in existence. I'm sorry to any Welsh people but the English are far far to superior to bother with the likes of you, in my opinion.   
  
LEITHA'S NOTE:   
First the thank yous. 1. God. This is because I believe in Him if only because He keeps His nose out of other people's business, eg. this story. 2. Dweia for being a totally annoying atheist. 3. Andine for being the biggest flirt in the history of Lintilla. 4. To Slartibartfast for being a sheep with a nose piercing. 5. Douglas Adams, Nelson Mandela. Eminem, Fred Durst, Zarniwhoop and last but not least the Collins Pocket English Dictionary (don't ask) for giving me INSPIRATION!!! 6. My Auntie Gladys for being a treasure trove of proverbs, and finally 7. Mr Howe my IT teacher for being a horrible annoying little nerd and also showing us how to use the school computers.  
My friends think I am an alien. To put it Dweia's way, THIS IS NOT MY FAULT, because I am Welsh and DARN PROUD OF IT! The Red Dragon is more pretty than the Three Lions, and anyway, I don't suppose any of the English like to remember that the Three Lions were originally the coat of arms of the Count of Anjou who was FRENCH!!!!! I am not one of those people who moan about being part of a subject race and that the English are snotty. Why waste the time when the Welsh are obviously superior?!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Random walked through the streets of Detroit, one of the principal cities on Betelgeuse 5. It had been two weeks since she left her mother Trillian in a temper. She was in the suburbs now, where there were mostly very nice houses with very nice ships outside.  
She walked past and enormous house, stopped, went back a few steps. She looked at a 'SOLD' sign.   
Three months later on the day she had moved into the house Random was frantic.  
'Where's this, where's that?' she chanted all day long.   
She was distractedly trying to put up a pair of curtains then realised that there were curtains hanging up anyway. Come to think of it, the whole house was furnished with very nice, expensive, rather dusty furniture. What's going on? she thought. When she finally got everything how she wanted it, the removal man came out and said,  
'Excuse me miss, we've got a little problem.' When Random sighed (the day had been full of problems so far), and carried on unpacking a box, he said, 'Just come an' 'ave a look see.' They went upstairs, down a corridor and into a room. Random nearly had a heart attack. There was a man about here age in there stark naked on a bed and when he saw Random he yelled,  
'Bring it on babe!'  
'Ah,' said Random. 'Just a little problem then.' Her eardrums became aware that there was very loud music playing, Disaster Area by the sound of it, then realised that she had been busy listening to The Manicles to care.  
'What're you doing in my house?!' they both said at the same moment.   
'What, this is your house? I thought it was my house!' they both said again, puzzled.  
'Right, I'm sorting this one out,' said the man pulling on some clothes and running out.  
  
He came back in a bad mood because the man at the estate agent's had confirmed that the house of the late President Zaphod Beeblebrox had indeed been sold to a Miss Random Astra, and that it was all perfectly legal thank you very much.  
The man stormed upstairs and looked Random in the eye. Random stared back. They were about the same height and he had twice as many heads as her, but he looked about her age.  
'Are you Miss Random Astra?' he said.  
'Er- yeah,' said Random.  
'Random Astra?'  
'Yeah,' said Random now thoroughly bemused. 'Look, could you leave, I've got a lot of unpacking to do.'  
'Fine,' he said worryingly willingly and went out. Random was left with unopened boxes surrounding her.  
She went to collect her pets from the kennels and then sat down for a meal of fish and chips. Her cat started hissing at something, so Random went to see what the matter was. An old man with a face like a sheep and a nose piercing was eating what looked like a Chinese takeaway in the corner. Random through him out, then sat back down.   
Her meal was then disturbed further by the strange man who burst in yelling,  
'Why does everyone refuse to believe that I'm alive!'  
'I dunno you look alive to me,' said Random, then added quietly, 'though who would care about your life I don't know.'  
'What did you say?' said the man looking up.  
'Only that you look alive to me,' said Random.  
'Oh so you're still here,' he said.  
'This is my house you know,' said Random annoyed.  
'Well it looks like I'll have to share my ancestral home with you,' said the man. 'What a shame.'  
'Where should I sleep?' asked Random politely determined not to fall out with him on the very first day.  
'I don't care as long as it's not in my bed,' he said. 'There's about twenty bedrooms, it can't be that hard to choose.' Suddenly a thought struck him. He walked back a few paces and then circled Random staring at her all the time.   
'Get out of it!' she shouted thinking he was sizing her up as a suitable rape victim.  
'Why?' he said.  
'Because I say so!' she shouted.  
'So?'  
'So?'  
'You look like someone that's all,' he said.  
'Who?' asked Random curiously.  
'Nah,' he said dismissively. 'You're too young and your chest's not big enough.'  
'Who do I look like?' said Random.  
'Someone I used to know. Trillian Astra, from Earth.'  
'She's my mother!' exclaimed Random. 'Who wants to know?'  
'Her ex-boyfriend that's who,' he said.  
'Excuse me, I think you've got the wrong person,' Random said. 'My mother has never had a boyfriend. She prides herself on being a virgin and says I should too. She's a bit old-fashioned,' she added apologetically.  
'Well she lied to you. Just look on any presidential videos 'cause we're on there. And anyway, if she was a virgin you wouldn't be here!'  
'She went to a DNA bank but that's not the point- presidential videos? Why the hell would you be on presidential videos?'  
'Derr, because I was the youngest ever President maybe,' he said.  
'Oh.' The cogs began to turn in Random's brain. 'That means… you're not that fruitcake Zaphod Beeblebrox are you?'  
'Not that Zaphod Beeblebrox the Zaphod Beeblebrox,' he said sounding insulted.  
'But you're d-'  
'Don't say it!' he said urgently. 'I can promise you, I'm not dead!'  
'I believe you!' Random said merely to shut him up about it.  
'You're not my daughter obviously,' he said. It was true. They bore no resemblance to each other whatsoever.  
  
Life in the house was for Random, OK but very tiring. Zaphod was usually out in his pearly white starship and Random used this time to explore.  
The house had a massive porch and hall, and all the downstairs rooms had drinks cupboards which Random didn't touch because Trillian had told her strange stories about what happened to people when they were drunk.  
Upstairs all the bedrooms were huge. Random adopted one as far away as possible from Zaphod's. She never went in there as a rule but once when he was out she had to got and see it, and who has a problem with that.  
He had a big bed, a big telescreen, a big ghetto-blaster, because his room was fundamentally big. Most of his floor was covered with a disgusting array of dirty laundry except for a clear pathway to walk along. There was a big flag hanging from the ceiling, an electric guitar in the corner and several big posters of Disaster Area. Random went over to his computer and logged on. Almost everything was password protected but she got into a file entitled 'PICTURES1'. They were full of pictures of a man, a woman, a tall freckly ginger haired boy and a smaller blond boy who she supposed must be Zaphod despite the fact that he didn't seem to have his third arm, on holiday and things. Then there were more photos of Zaphod, the ginger boy who must be the infamous Ford Prefect, a darker skinned boy, a boy with a red hat and a boy who looked like Hitler practicing music- it must have been their band. There were more pictures and then a picture of Ford, Zaphod and Random's mum Trillian.   
So he was telling the truth, Random thought. She heard the door bang and ran out just in time to see the lift come up.  
'I need a drink! Get me a drink!' he yelled storming out.  
'No,' said Random. 'This may be a hard concept for you, but I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE!'  
'You could have fooled me,' said Zaphod.  
'Oy, I own this side of the house I can throw you out you know so shut up!' Random said, in a mood partly because he expected her to do what he said, but more because he had been telling the truth about her mum.  
'This is my house,' Zaphod pointed out.  
'Oh yeah,' said Random, 'sorry.'  
'Bye bye,' said Zaphod. From her side of the house Random asked curiously,  
'Where did you go?'  
'The government offices, the newspaper printing press and the booze shop,' said Zaphod.  
'Why?' asked Random who couldn't for the life of her think why he would want to go to those places, except perhaps the drink shop.  
'The government offices 'cause I had to drop something in, the printing press so that everyone realises that I'm actually alive and the booze shop 'cause I really need a drink.'  
'Why didn't you get one then?' said Random.  
'The man in the shop said it was illegal to sell alcohol to dead people,' said Zaphod. 'Typical Detroit attitude, he didn't even blink when I told him I was Zaphod Beeblebrox! This is really starting to bug me!'  
  
Next week when Random was out shopping, a ship landed outside the house and a man and a woman climbed out. The woman was pretty, with long browny chestnut coloured hair, looked a little like Kate Winslet and a lot like Random and was called Trillian Astra. The man had ginger hair and freckles, looked as scruffy as Zaphod and was called Ford Prefect.   
Ford Prefect must have had the code to the back door because seconds later they burst in on Zaphod Beeblebrox who was watching a documentary about humanoid mating habits.  
'Hi Ford,' said Zaphod appearing not at all surprised and definitely not concerned that his semi-cousin and ex-girlfriend had come in together.  
'Hi Zaphod,' Ford drawled in an attempt to impress Trillian.  
'Hi Trillian,' said Zaphod still glued to the telescreen.  
'Hello,' said Trillian not over warmly.  
'I suppose you're staying Ford,' said Zaphod.  
'Er- yeah,' said Ford because Zaphod had taken the words out of his mouth. 'And Trillian.' Trillian was busy looking round thinking that if Zaphod was this rich it had been a bit stupid to break up with him.  
'You can go upstairs can't you, I'm busy watching this at the moment,' said Zaphod still not looking up. Ford and Trillian went out.  
'Was it me,' said Ford, 'or was there a lipstick standing on the back of one of the sofas?'  
'Yeah, I was thinking that too,' said Trillian.  
'Hmm,' said Ford thoughtfully.  
  
They had an even bigger shock when Ford went into what was usually his room and found somebody else's stuff in there. And unless Zaphod had a cross dresser round it was a female person.  
  
Random came back from the shopping mall, dumped her bags in the hall, got the robot to make her a tuna sandwich and went into the multimedia room. It was darkened. The screen was on. Four heads had their back to her. There was the sound of munching popcorn. Random, annoyed at Zaphod's cheek of having a gang bang here of all places, switched the light on. Four pairs of eyes blinked and three voices shouted,  
'Turn it off!'  
Random saw Trillian and backed off hoping not to be noticed. Trillian didn't see her to start off with but Ford said,  
'Is this your new girlfriend then Zaphod?'  
'NO!' Zaphod and Random, said at the same second and Zaphod said, 'Fuck off Random.' Random was all to happy to oblige.  
'Random?' said Trillian astonished.  
'Random?' said Ford the traces of a smirk beginning to show around his mouth.  
'Random,' said Zaphod. 'Silly name isn't it.'  
'But what's Random doing here?' said Trillian incredulously. 'She's my daughter!'  
'Talk about keeping it in the family, eh Zaphod?' said Ford the smirk now all over his face. Zaphod hit him.  
'No offence Trillian but your daughter obviously takes after her father because she's absolutely vile,' said Zaphod with a meaningful look at Ford who was sprawled on the coffee table giggling.   
'I'm going to have a motherly few words with her,' said Trillian getting up. 'Tape the film will you?' She went upstairs. Ford and Zaphod listened intently. Trillian was shouting something at Random which sounded like,  
'HOW DARE YOU… SICK WITH WORRY… GOING OFF IN THE SHIP ALONE… STRANDED ON SIRIUS A… IF FORD HADN'T COME ALONG… LIVING WITH HIM!… WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS IS YOUR HOUSE?… GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!' Trillian came back downstairs rolling her sleeves back down.  
They carried on watching the film, Titanic starring Lee DiCaprio and Katrina Winslet, about the Starship Titanic that sunk on it's maiden voyage.  
Ford ran out of popcorn and sat back on the sofa between Zaphod and Trillian who he felt were sitting too close for comfort, and starting eating Trillian's popcorn.   
'Hey Ford!' Trillian shouted.  
'Shut up!' said Zaphod. 'This is the bit where they go in that escape capsule together!'  
'Oh shut up!' said Ford. 'You're as bad as Zarniwhoop!'  
'Yeah,' said Zaphod sniggering, 'that bastard wouldn't let us eat sweets during the premiere of Gladiator.'  
'Who is this Zarniwhoop guy you keep going on about?' Trillian asked curiously.  
'Oh just this stupid psycho who thinks he's know me since I was a hundred and ten, stupid isn't it,' said Zaphod laughing.   
'But he has,' said Ford with the air of Mystic Meg.  
  
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF 


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